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A Ty jakie słowa słyszałeś/aś najczęściej w dzieciństwie?

Tytuł: Kochaj mnie, mamo
Autor: Casey Watson
Wydawnictwo: Amber

Flip jest niezwykle interesującą, ale i wymagającą ośmiolatką. Wahania nastrojów, trudność w przyswajaniu informacji, problemy z więzią emocjonalną, brak przywiązania (nie potrafi być miła dla członków rodziny, twierdzi, że kocha nowo poznane osoby) i brak empatii – sprawiają, że jej wychowanie balansuje na granicy wyzwań ekstremalnych. Ale to, jaka jest Flip, nie jest spowodowane tzw. bezstresowym wychowaniem… ale chorobą – ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – dosłownie zespół nadpobudliwości z deficytem uwagi) w połączeniu z FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome – Alkoholowy Zespół Płodowy), które prócz wymienionych cech oraz anomalii w budowie twarzy charakteryzuje się skłonnością dziecka do ucieczki, a także, jak w przypadku Flip, regularnym zanieczyszczaniem się. Tak wielkie spustoszenie w ciele dziewczynki było spowodowane przez alkohol. Alkohol spożywany NIE przez ośmioletnią dziewczynkę, ale przez jej matką – Megan – która regularnie upijała się, gdy była w ciąży. I to alkohol jest główną przyczyną ograniczenia praw rodzicielskich Megan. Flip w ciągu swojego ośmioletniego życia najczęściej bywała głodna, sama organizowała swój czas, sama troszczyła się, jak umiała najlepiej, o siebie i matkę, najczęściej nieprzytomną z powodu upojenia alkoholowego. Dziewczynka nigdy nie stroiła domu ozdobami świątecznymi, nie miała imprezy urodzinowej, nie trzymała w dłoni zimnych ogni, nigdy nie widziała Świętego Mikołaja…

Casey i Mike nie są typowymi opiekunami zastępczymi. Do ich domu trafiają dzieci, które nie wykazują zdolności do aklimatyzacji w rodzinach adopcyjnych. Zostali specjalnie wyszkoleni i wdrażają w życie program, który pomaga dzieciom będącym największym wyzwaniem dla systemu opiekuńczo-wychowawczego. Program, który pomaga modyfikować zachowanie dzieci i socjalizować je na tyle, aby mogły zostać objęte opieką zastępczą albo adopcją. Podjęte przez nich działania służą temu, by w sposób systematyczny i pragmatyczny rozwiązać trudności, z jakimi zmaga się Flip. Dziecko, nad którym notorycznie znęcano się psychicznie, które żyło w emocjonalnej czarnej dziurze, z bagażem emocji, których ośmioletnie dziecko mieć nie powinno. Z nadmiarem wspomnień, w których były ofiarami, w których się bały, w których czuły się niepewnie, zagrożone, zdezorientowane i najczęściej winne z tego powodu, że w ogóle żyją, całkowicie pozbawione poczucia własnej wartości. Dziecko, którego jedynym marzeniem jest mieć mamę.

– Naprawdę chcę mieć mamusię, taką na zawsze. Naprawdę, naprawdę chcę […] Ale nie tamtą starą mamusię. Ona jest za ładna dla takiego dziecka jak ja.
– Mamusiu, myślisz, że jestem brzydka?

Flip trafia do domu Mike’a i Casey wypełnionego po brzegi miłością, wyrozumiałością, ale przede wszystkim wiarą w to, że Flip jest cudownym, wartościowym dzieckiem, które pomimo choroby może rozwijać się prawidłowo i ma szanse na funkcjonowanie w społeczeństwie.

Casey i Mike przestrzegają fundamentalnych zasad wychowawczych:

Nie ma sensu krzyczeć, lepiej […] jest sie uspokoić i odkryć przyczynę […] zawsze istnieje jakaś przyczyna.

Trzeba potępiać czyn, nie osobę; mówić „to jest niegrzeczne zachowanie”, zamiast „jesteś niegrzeczna dziewczynką.

Dziecko, któremu zbyt wiele wolno, to dziecko poza kontrolą. A dziecko pozbawione kontroli jest dzieckiem nieszczęśliwym. Zdenerwowanym.

Casey, Mike i ich adoptowany syn Ty tworzą warunki idealne do osiągnięcia zamierzonych celów, ale poskromienie Flip to nie lada wyzwanie, nawet dla kogoś tak doświadczonego jak rodzina Watsonów.

Niezwykle istotnymi informacjami zawartymi w Kochaj mnie, mamo są fakty dotyczące działania opieki społecznej. Jak ciężką pracę wykonują opiekunowie społeczni, rodziny zastępcze oraz przejściowe rodziny zastępcze. Są to osoby pełne empatii, ciepła, mające niewyczerpalne pokłady dobra, a jednocześnie niezwykle inteligentne i silne. Osoby doświadczone i cierpliwe, dla których nie ma rzeczy niemożliwych, a dobro dziecka to kwestia priorytetowa. Autorka zwraca uwagę na ważną rolę pracowników opieki społecznej w rozwoju i sprawnym funkcjonowaniu społeczeństwa.

Starałam się nie osądzać. Kiedy pracuje się w opiece zastępczej, krytykowanie jest podejściem głupim.

 […] unikać założeń, co Megan może zrobić w przyszłości, tworzonych na podstawie pogłosek, co robiła dawniej.

Teoretycznie każdy z długim stażem w pomocy społecznej miał wyczerpujące dossier, które „idzie” za nim, dokądkolwiek by się przeniósł, i które pomaga opiekunom wspierać tę osobą, lecz również, w pewnych przypadkach, podjąć decyzję o odebraniu dzieci – bywa, ze na stałe. Ale naprawdę system nie był doskonały.

Lektura Kochaj mnie, mamo skłania do refleksji. Zwraca uwagę na to, co na co dzień nie jest dostrzegalne. Przywraca też wiarę w to, że nie można przejść obojętnie obok krzywdzonego dziecka.

Nie ma drugiego uczucia tak przerażającego, jak strach, że wasze dziecko może być w niebezpieczeństwie, nie ma emocji równie pierwotnych i przynaglających do działania.

 

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